I recently bought a new pair of sneakers. They are purple and I absolutely LOVE them. Ok you’re all going to think I’m weird. Who gets that excited over sneakers? The thing is – I’ve been wearing the same pair of sneakers for over 20 years. If you do the maths you will realize that this must mean that I got my old pair when I was a child. I’ll admit it’s a little scary that they lasted that long; that super glue might have been holding the soles on and yes they may have finally started to smell…
My excuse? I hate shoe shopping and I’m not really a sneaker person. It’s not like I wear them everyday. I wear my hiking boots (a lot) and some sort of ballet flats the rest of the time. I pretty much never get excited about clothes or shoes. I’m just not that type of person. If it’s clean and neat – I’m happy. If I go shoe shopping I buy in bulk so I don’t have to do it again for a while. Yup I’m that weird freak that who buys 8 pairs of the same shoe (if I happen to find one I like), so I won’t have to go shoe shopping again. So me being happy about a purple pair of sneakers… yeah it’s not normal.
Ok, so why am I writing about sneakers in a bird blog? Well it has come to my attention that if I don’t take the chance to say: “Look at my pretty purple sneakers!” now, I’m probably never going to have the chance to say it again. It’s looking increasingly unlikely that these sneakers are going to make it to next week, let alone survive the next 20 years. You see as it turns out, I’m not the only one in this house that likes purple sneakers.
I made a mistake. I sat down in an armchair with my Blue and Gold Macaw, Fid. I put my feet up on the footrest and got ready to defend my watchband, my earrings and my hair tie while Fid and I enjoyed each other’s company. This time, Fid had no interest in his usual items that he likes to steal. He froze in my lap, looked at the purple sneakers on my feet and as his eyes pinned he pointedly said: “OOOOoooooooooooohh MINE!!!”
That was how the sneakers war began.
The thing is, my sneakers require shoelaces. Fid LOVES shoelaces. Shoelaces have these little plastic sheathes on the ends to stop them fraying. Or at least they are supposed to. Apparently it is a parrot law that all shoelace sheathes must be removed. Apart from my purple sneakers, all shoelace sheathes in this house have already been removed. Fid had help with that; apparently my other 8 birds all endorse that law too.
Alright, I’m aware of a the parrot ownership laws. The whole:
I saw it, therefore it is mine.
You saw it therefore it is mine.
I touched it last year, therefore it is still mine.
You bought it for the dog, therefore it is mine…
Yeah that list of rules is a long one. Basically if it exists – the bird owns it. I KNOW that. Fid can even say the word “MINE” to reinforce it. It’s just that I actually need these sneakers in one piece. I have to wear covered shoes when working in the lab at University, holy shoes are strictly forbidden. So it would be nice if they remained MINE without macaw deconstruction.
So I tried the don’t wear them when handling Fid routine. I left them on the floor. So Fid deserted me and ran straight over to them on the floor. In a heartbeat he was working on the laces.
So I lifted them up onto a bench, where I thought he wouldn’t be able to get them as another bench hid them from above. Yeah that didn’t work. That just meant it took him 5 seconds instead of three to get to them. When I confiscated them – he threw a half-full jug of water at me that he found sitting on the bench. Then he laughed (of course). It’s enough to make me think he did it on purpose.
So I hid them. I stuck them on a bookshelf behind some books, under some newspaper. 5 minutes later, Fid landed on my arm holding a sneaker by the laces. The books and newspaper were on the floor. Yeah he’s getting good at the flying thing. Apparently he can even fly with a sneaker swinging in the breeze of his wings as it kicks him in the chest.
So as a last ditch effort, I’ve started to kick them under the bed. That actually worked – or so I thought. We were in the shower. I was home alone and I’d left the bathroom door open because I was waiting for a phone call that I might not hear if the door was closed. Fid waited until I was thoroughly drowned and then suddenly took off out the bathroom door. I found him in my bedroom, dripping all over the carpet. He’d retrieved a sneaker from under the bed and was working on the laces. Apparently he’d known where they were all along and was just biding his time waiting for an opportunity.
So yeah, look at my pretty purple sneakers now because I don’t think they’ll be so pretty by next week. I don’t like my chances of winning this sneakers war!